Nightmares
by wizardelfgirl
Summary: Set after GoF. Sirius has been suffering nightmares since his escape from Azkaban. When he goes to Lupin's house to lie low, the nightmares diminish. But at the same time Lupin is looking more sick. Is there a connection? Will Sirius understand? Oneshot f


I intended to make this shorter, but words just seemed to get into my mind. Anyway, I hope you like it, there may still be a few things I might change, mainly the incantation, which I didn't much like, but not in the near future.

Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling. But she's so kind she lets us use her characters.

o o o o o o

The Nightmares had returned.

Sirius Black tossed in his sleep as hideous images started crossing his mind like a muggle movie. He could almost feel the putrid breath of the Dementors as they silently approached him, feeding on him, leaving him cold and empty of emotion. Blood-curdling screams permeated his ears, and the stench of blood made his nose burn painfully. Sirius tried to run, but there was nowhere to hide in his small and damp cell in Azkaban, nowhere to escape the despair he felt in his soul.

He could hear voices in his head. Voices he knew could only belong to the phantoms of his past.

"_Padfoot! Lily's about to give birth!" _

"_Look at him, he's got his mother's eyes." _

"_Thank you for accepting to be our secret keeper."_

Sirius couldn't stand it anymore. He screamed, as if hoping that he could scare the memories away. He screamed until his throat felt raw and dry. He screamed until he had no more voice, and even then he continued wheezing, afraid to let the voices return, afraid to listen, afraid to think.

"Good morning, Padfoot."

Sirius turned around on his bed and saw Remus Lupin standing in the doorway, carrying a tray with food on his hands and a smile on his lips. It took him a few seconds to remember that he had arrived at Lupin's house the night before, bearing the grim news that Voldemort had returned to his body. He must have been really tired, because he hardly remembered anything else apart from breaking the news to Remus. He vaguely remembered being led to a room, where he automatically placed a Silencing Charm in order to prevent his screams from being heard. Because Sirius Black didn't want his friend to know about the dreams. He didn't want anyone to know of his weakness.

"Did you have a good rest?"

Sirius abruptly returned to reality and sat on the bed just as Remus placed the tray on the night table. He briefly wondered if Remus had noticed the silencing charm, but if he had, he wasn't showing it. He just sat on a nearby chair and waited patiently for Sirius to answer his question, which Sirius promptly decided to do before his friend became suspicious.

"Yes, thanks. I was really tired from the journey. So much, in fact, I barely remember what I did last night." He immediately started on his eggs and bacon, suddenly ravenously hungry.

"Do you now?" Remus said, raising his eyebrows. "Then you don't remember almost finishing up all my food, so I had to go early this morning to all but buy half the market?"

Sirius almost choked as the memory of last night slowly crept into his mind. After many months feeding on rats —an occasionally some food sent to him by Harry— Sirius had grown considerably thinner, not tomention that he was always feeling hungry. When Remus had offered him a good supper, he hadn't been able to contain himself.

Sirius shot Remus a weary look, wondering if Moony had noticed his "unnatural" hunger. He didn't want to worry his friend with such petty problems, and indeed, with the Dark Lord rising again, his undernourishment seemed unimportant. But Remus seemed oblivious to his friend's musings, focused as he was on his own plate of food. Only until he noticed Sirius looking at him did Remus look up from his bacon and smile sheepishly. "Is something wrong?"

"Erm… no. I was just thinking that it's nice to see you again after so many months."

"Yes, I feel the same, even though the circumstances are not that cheerful," Remus suddenly went serious. "I fire-called Dumbledore before going to town and told him you had arrived safely. He didn't have much time, but he said we should start contacting the Order as soon as we can."

Sirius nodded quietly, suddenly not as hungry anymore. Images of death and pain tried to fill his mind but he pushed them aside. He had a job to do now, he needed to be whole if he wanted to be of some use.

Something must have shown on his face, because Remus was looking at him quizzically. An eyebrow rose. "Are you alright?"

"Of course I am. I'm just a little stiff. I think I'll go for a walk if you don't mind, just to clear my thoughts before starting to work."

"Sure, no problem," was the immediate answer. "Just don't wander off too far. This place is mostly isolated and heavily warded so you probably won't be noticed, but still you can never be too careful."

"Don't worry," Sirius smiled roguishly. "I was actually planning to go out in disguise." As he finished saying that, he transformed into a great black dog and scampered off to roam the fields surrounding Remus' home.

Remus watched his friend leave in his animagus form, and involuntarily sighed. Sirius could play the strong one very well, but he would never fool him. Remus had always been the quiet one, the observant, the one with an uncanny ability to read souls. If anyone could notice a change in someone's demeanor, however subtle, it was Remus Lupin. And Remus knew deep inside that Sirius was far from alright. Remus could see the demons lurking inside Sirius' dull eyes, slowly eating him from the inside, maiming his spirit. Remus couldn't allow it. He _wouldn't_ allow it. The problem was¿how to help his friend when he wouldn't let himself be helped?

o o o o o o o o

It was good being a dog. His mind became so simple when he transformed, so relaxed, so straightforward. Anything from an earthworm to a butterfly could catch his attention and distract him enough that all his fears were momentarily forgotten.

And it was such a bliss to forget.

He had always had the nightmares, of course. Ever since he had escaped from Azkaban they had followed him wherever he went, regardless of any efforts to blow them away. But the strain he had been living lately had somehow increased them, sharpened them. Before, he had managed to scrape at least a few hours of sleep before the images and the screams filled his head. Now he had only to close his eyes for them to strike him ruthlessly and without mercy.

Not that he deserved any mercy, after all the mistakes he had made.

A small part of his brain —the rational part, if he had any at all— told him it wasn't his fault. He had believed that making Peter the secret-keeper would be a brilliant idea. And it would have, if Peter hadn't betrayed them all.

"_Will you be my friend forever, Padfoot?"_

"_Of course, Wormtail, don't be daft, why would I not be your friend?"_

The great dog shook his head violently, trying to erase the memories. It seemed even the simple mind of a dog wasn't a refuge against the echoes of the past.

o o o o o o o o

The nightmares had come again.

Sirius felt so cold he thought he would surely die of hypothermia. Each breath he made felt like icy daggers sticking into his throat and nose. They were near, so near…

_Please_, he thought desperately, _go away, leave me alone, please…_

"_So you don't want to cooperate?"_

"_I told you, I'm innocent, what more can I say?"_

"_The truth, for instance." _

"_I already did!"_

"_We have ways to make you confess, you know."_

"_Please, if you would just let me explain…"_

"_Crucio!"_

Pain coursed through his veins like fire spreading on dry grass. His head hit the rocky surface of his cell without his being able to control it. It had only lasted a few seconds, but they had seemed like hours. And when it was over, there were still the dementors.

They never went away.

_Please go, please go…_

"_It's going to be all right_," a gentle voice said.

Sirius couldn't recognize the voice, but it was soothing. He felt warmth slowly creeping back to his numb body, and the screams in his head finally subsided. But he was still tense. This couldn't last, he knew. It had to be a trap, to make him lower his defenses only to be struck again. He could see the dementors lurking in the shadows near his cell, waiting for him to fall into their game.

_You don't need to be afraid, I won't let them hurt you. _

Again that warm voice. Wherever it came from, it gave him strength. Strength enough to make the dementors stay away. Strength enough to drive the nightmare out of his mind. Sirius sighed audibly in his sleep and for the first time in many a month was able to rest, feeling that the gentle voice would keep the bad dreams away.

o o o o o o o o

"Sirius, are you _ever_ going to wake up?"

Sirius groaned and turned his back to the annoying voice that threatened to get him out of bed. He didn't want to get up, not now, when he had finally managed to really sleep without the dreams that haunted him. But the voice kept pestering him until he felt his sheets being yanked from him and a strong foot kicking him and throwing him unceremoniously to the floor. _That_ woke him up.

"Hey, what did you do that for?" the man said, standing up and rubbing his backside.

"Well, as I've been trying to get you out of bed for over an _hour_, I decided to try a more 'persuasive' approach."

Sirius rubbed the sleep from his eyes and forced them to focus on his friend. It had been four days since he had arrived and he hadn't been able to sleep any of them, not until now. He felt rested and fresh, and ready to resume the work he and Remus had been doing the day before. Remus, on the other hand, seemed a little pale and restless, but Sirius supposed it was because there had been a full moon exactly the night after he had arrived. Normally Padfoot would have accompanied Moony for the night, but Sirius had excused himself saying he felt a little sick, probably due to so much eating, and Remus, fortunately having taken Wolfsbane Potion (which Sirius suspected Snape had sent him on Dumbledore's orders), said he wouldn't mind. And Sirius was glad for that because he knew the wolf's heightened senses would have perceived the fear in Padfoot as the dreams took over his mind and soul.

After a good breakfast, the two friends continued their work, which consisted mostly in tracking down the old members of the Order and recruiting them once again. Every so often, when he least expected it, Remus would find himself pinned on the floor by a rambunctious bearlike dog who was anxious to play. Remus was glad to see the old, mischievous twinkle reappear in Sirius' eyes, however briefly. It seemed his friend had finally found some peace of mind, and Voldemort or not, he would first and foremost encourage Sirius' healing.

The following night Sirius was, as usual, haunted by the dreams.

But this time it was different. Although Sirius could feel the dementors near him, he wasn't as cold as he used to, or as he should be anyway. He was also able to tune off the screams of those dying around him, enough at least to tolerate them. Though far from comfortable, he was able to withstand the horrors that surrounded him. And still, he could hear the gentle voice in his mind.

_I am here. I will protect you. _

Sirius smiled and let go of his fear. He could sleep. He wouldn't be bothered. The voice would care for him.

A week and a half passed, and Sirius felt almost recovered.

He had gained weight, which on the whole made quite an improvement to his appearance. Even Remus had stopped calling him a 'poor excuse of a scarecrow', and the few people from the order who had come to visit —Dumbledore included— had expressed their joy to see him better. But it wasn't just the physical part. His scarred soul had also begun to heal, albeit slowly, and though he still felt the dreams lurking somewhere in the back of his mind, he had enough strength to keep them at bay. Yes, Sirius Black was finally able to smile once more, to enjoy life, to hope for a future.

To feel alive again.

Strangely, Sirius could not say the same about his werewolf friend. Remus had been acting a little strange lately. He still smiled a lot, and his playful attitude remained, but he also seemed tired, which Sirius had noticed from the ever so slightly droop on his shoulders and the lack of shine in his eyes. He had recently acquired the habit of taking naps, which he hadn't done even when he was a small child. And most disturbing of all were the faint traces of black circles around the former professor's eyes, which Sirius was sure hadn't been there before. Sirius suspected Remus was worried about Voldemort's rise and the effect this would have on Harry —hell, Sirius himself was worried sick about Harry. But when he had asked Remus about this, the werewolf had merely shrugged and said he seemed to be catching a cold. Sirius suggested adding lemon and honey to his tea and let it go at that. If Remus wanted to keep his worry private, he would respect him.

But a distant corner of his mind kept tugging at him, ringing faint alarms that something was not entirely normal about Remus' 'cold'.

o o o o o o o o

"_Don't be afraid. I'm here. I won't let them hurt you."_

_Please, make them go, make them go._

"_I will protect you, no matter what."_

_Don't let them hurt me…_

"_Somnium comunio!"_

Sirius finally stopped screaming and relaxed in his sleep. In his mind, he saw the dementors fading away, leaving him. The pain subsided. He felt warm again. He slept.

When morning came, Remus entered as always with his food tray. Sirius got up and had breakfast with his friend, once more feeling strong and refreshed.

That evening, two weeks after Sirius' arrival, there was a meeting with select members of the Order at Remus' house. The main discussion was to find a safe place to establish headquarters, which was proving difficult. As well warded as Remus' home was, they knew it wouldn't resist an open Death Eater attack. Sirius immediately suggested his old home, which had every ward and every protection against detection even Dumbledore could think of. Sirius' father had been quite paranoid about security.

The members of the Order sat at the dining table, talking amongst themselves about the many things they had to take care of, mainly increasing Harry's security. Sirius, sitting at the far end of the table and hardly paying attention to the discussions all around him, silently watched Remus, Mad-Eye Moody, and Dumbledore talking only three seats on his right. It suddenly dawned on Sirius that Remus really looked like hell. What had been only traces of black around his eyes were now deep purple bags. He was extremely pale and his hair looked grayer than ever. He seemed to be also losing weight, if the looseness of his robes were any indication. Sirius gave himself a mental kick for not noticing all of this before, happy as he was of finally being able to sleep without being bothered by the dreams. There was something wrong with his friend, and it was more than a cold.

Dumbledore must have noticed Remus' change too, because he suddenly turned to face his former student with critical eyes.

"Is something wrong, Remus?"

"Huh?" Remus had apparently been dozing off in his chair, because at the sound of his name he jumped and looked at the headmaster with unfocused eyes. Sirius perked his ears.

"Yes, I'm sorry Albus, I seem to have lost myself for a moment."

"You look somewhat tired, you know, has anything out of the ordinary been happening?"

"Not really. Sirius and I have been working a lot lately and I have a bit of a cold, that's all."

"I see." As always, trying to fool Albus Dumbledore was just about possible as drinking bubotuber pus. Sirius saw the headmaster's bushy eyebrows rise slowly with that knowing look he gave his students when he knew they were lying to him.

"Remus…"

"I really am okay, Albus, it's just a stupid cold, if I were a better potion-maker I would have concocted a remedy already."

"Hm. I'll talk to Professor Snape, he might have something he could send to you," Dumbledore replied a bit stiffly. He half glanced at Sirius before resuming his discussion with Moody, making Sirius wonder if Dumbledore suspected him of something.

"Damn! I'm sorry, Arthur, I really am, I can clean it, I swear…"

"Don't waste time, Tonks, I've already tried, a simple _scourgify_ is not enough to get the stain off."

How on earth his clumsy cousin managed to be an Auror was something Sirius would never understand.

"What you need is a good stain remover and I have just the one, I use it mainly to get muddy pawprints off my robes," a wicked voice said, and Sirius couldn't help grinning.

"Hey, it's not my fault that the rain caught me outside. I had to clean myself on _something_."

While Arthur Weasley and Nymphadora Tonks tried unsuccessfully to suppress a giggle, Remus rose and headed towards the kitchen to get the stain remover.

And there he collapsed.

o o o o o o o o

"Remus, Remus…"

It took a moment for the former professor to realize that it was _his_ name someone kept repeating near his ear. He couldn't recognize the voice, though, because every time he tried to focus on it his head throbbed painfully. He tried to ask what had happened, but instead of words he only managed to issue a groan. Someone pressed a bottle to his lips and cold liquid ran through his mouth and throat. The headache diminished and Remus was finally able to open his eyes.

"What…?"

"Easy, laddie, you're not well." A firm hand forced him to remain still. It was Moody.

"How are you feeling, Remus?"

Dumbledore. Suddenly everything came back to Remus. The meeting, talking to the headmaster, going to the kitchen to get the stain remover… And he had fainted. There was no other explanation.

"¿Remus?"

"I'm feeling better, thanks," What else could he say? "I don't know what happened to me. I must have been more tired than I thought, but I'm okay now."

"The hell you are."

Remus couldn't see him, but obviously Sirius was near the bed… It was then that Remus noticed he had been brought to his bed.

Suddenly Sirius appeared in his range of vision, a deep scowl imbedded in his handsome face. "What the hell do you think you're doing!" he yelled, more out of concern than anger. "You scared the hell out of me, you know, I thought you were dead, you didn't seem to be even _breathing_, even Moody here couldn't wake you up and…"

"That is enough, Sirius," Dumbledore intervened before Sirius tried to strangle Remus or something, and indeed, Remus thought Sirius was on the verge of killing him. "I think Remus will be able to better explain us what he's been up to lately when you stop threatening him."

Sirius immediately understood and checked his temper.

"I, don't know what you mean, Albus, I haven't done anything that…" Again, that look had crept into the headmaster's face, and Remus felt pierced by his scrutinizing blue eyes. Defeated, Remus murmured something embarrassedly.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Somnium comunio," Remus said more loudly.

Dumbledore nodded knowingly and Sirius suddenly felt as if he had been slapped. He had heard that incantation in his dreams, but he hadn't paid much attention to it until now. Somnium comunio, the Dream-Sharing Charm.

"You have…" Sirius had trouble stringing up the words, "you have been sharing my dreams?"

Slowly, Remus nodded.

The gentle voice. How could he have not recognized it before? "But then, you have been entering mi mind, you have been seeing what I see…"

Again, Remus nodded.

"But that's not the only thing." Sirius turned around to face Dumbledore, who wore a concerned look. "Sirius, do you know the implications of this charm?"

"Not really. I know that it allows you to share someone's thoughts on a deeper level than Legilimency, because you actually enter the person's memory, but that's it."

"Then you don't know that, in some circumstances, if the spell has been properly done, the caster may not only enter the dream, but bring it upon himself, thus removing it from the person he placed the charm on."

Sirius gasped.

"Moreover, the connection between caster and casted is sometimes so strong, that the caster may want to transfer some of his energy to the casted in order to help him heal. This is usually used by extremely highly trained Mediwizards to help ease the mind of those who have experienced a traumatizing event.

"And that was precisely what you were trying to do, right, Remus? You were healing Sirius' spirit by living his nightmares for him and giving him your vital energy. But even Mediwizards only dare use the charm twice a month. You have been doing it every night for little less than two weeks."

Sirius felt his insides turn to ice. Remus had been giving him his vital energy. No wonder he looked so sick. And how had he not noticed what was going on? Moreover, how had Remus known about his nightmares?

"That was really stupid of you, lad, endangering your life like that, no wonder you collapsed tonight, your body couldn't resist anymore."

"I think, Alastor, that it is time for us to go. We'll leave these young men to sort this out themselves."

Moody nodded and left the bedroom, heading to the livingroom fireplace. Dumbledore took the moment to spare another half glance at Sirius before following the ex-Auror.

The silence that followed both men's departure felt suffocating. Sirius wanted to say something, but he didn't trust himself to speak. How could Remus do something so foolish? What was he thinking?

"Where are the others?"

Sirius blinked for a moment before he understood the question. "Everyone has left," he answered dryly. "They were concerned about you, but Dumbledore told them it would be better to leave you to rest." He bit his tongue before adding anything he might later regret.

Remus sat on the bed with his back to the headboard. "I'm sorry, Sirius."

"Sorry?" Something inside Sirius snapped and he let go of his anger. "_Sorry_? Is that the only thing you can say? You almost _died_, Remus, I heard the fear in Dumbledore's voice when he couldn't revive you, I thought you were a goner, and all you can say is you're sorry? What possessed you to do something so stupid?"

"I had to do it."

"The hell with that. You had to do nothing, it's not as if I can't take care of myself, you know, I don't need you to protect me like I was…"

"Oh really?" It was Remus' turn to get angry. "And those nightmares were a figment of my imagination, weren't they? Do you think I didn't notice when you placed the silencing charm on your door the first night you arrived? Or why you locked yourself during the full moon? Did you think I wouldn't know what it meant? I _knew_ what you were going through, and I also knew you would deny it if I told you. I did what I had to do to help you, and if I had to die to do it then so be it!"

Sirius was so taken aback that he choked on the words he had planned to throw at his friend. He had hoped he had hid his weakness from Remus. He didn't want Remus to think of him as a coward, as someone who could break. But Remus had known, and had tried to help him, had almost died doing it. Sirius felt cold.

"I didn't want to worry you," was all he could say. "I didn't expect you to understand."

"Well that was stupid of you, Sirius, seeing as I already went through that and could have helped you deal with the dreams."

Realization hit Sirius with the force of a hurricane and he almost fell to his knees. How could he have forgotten? How could he forget the four-month imprisonment Remus had suffered in the hands of Voldemort during the first war? Voldemort had wanted Remus to join him, to be his spy, his pet werewolf. He had used every means of persuasion he could think of on Remus, from the kindest of words to the cruelest form of torture he was capable of. In Azkaban, Sirius had been tortured for about a month and then left to rot with the Dementors. Remus, on the other hand… to this day, when the weather was too cold, his forever damaged body would ache due to constant use of the cruciatus and bone-breaking curses. And in the full moons he had spent as a prisoner, even the wolf had been tortured, even the wolf now felt hatred for the Dark Lord.

After he had been rescued, Remus had become more quiet and somber. It had been at that time that Sirius had suspected Remus to be a spy, that he had been broken and forced to ally himself to the dark. But Remus had held. It had been Peter who had fallen, not Remus. And his friend had had to deal with the demons by himself.

Sirius felt hot tears rising but didn't attempt to restrain them. He just sat on a chair and covered his face with his hands, feeling his body shake with frustration and guilt.

"Sirius, don't, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say it that way." Remus tried to get up but he was too weak and he collapsed once again. Sirius was on his side in an instant.

"Don't move," he choked.

Remus reluctantly obeyed and allowed himself to be tucked in the bed. His deep hazel eyes filled with sadness when he saw the pain in his friend's face.

"Sirius, I…"

"No, it is I who am sorry," Sirius said, remorse dripping from every word. "I'm sorry for failing you so many times. I distrusted you fifteen years ago and left you to face your demons alone, and now you almost died dealing with _my_ demons because I'm too weak, because I can't…"

"I did it because I _care_," was the gentle reply. "I did it because I'm your friend, because your pain is also my pain. You are not weak, Padfoot, just too proud for your own good. Or maybe just too strong." Sirius looked at his friend and was surprised to see him smiling. "It was my choice to give you my life if it was necessary," he added. "And I would do it again. Unless, of course, that you agree to let me help you openly."

Sirius couldn't stop himself. The tears rose again and, falling on Remus' lap, he finally wept. He wept for the loss of James and Lily; he wept for the godson he had abandoned to a muggle family who despised him; he wept for the friend who had betrayed him; he wept for the pain and loneliness he had endured at Azkaban; and he wept for the friend whom he had failed and was now embracing him, protecting him, offering once more the friendship hey had once had.

"So, Padfoot," Remus smiled slyly. "Are you going to stay here all night or are you going to prepare me something to eat? I'm starving."

Sirius laughed, suddenly more relieved and in peace with himself than he had been for a long time. "I'm not a very good cook, but I'll see what I can find."

"Good, and when we finish, perhaps we can talk about dreams, without silencing charms."

Sirius stopped at the door, turned, and smiled. "Yes, I'd like that."

**The End**


End file.
